Butterfly Vuela

Tag: narcissism

  • Onward Christian Soldier!

    Onward Christian Soldier!

    The Holy Spirit is helping me get ready this morning. I am being filled and a smile has come to my face as this happens. I have that beautiful robe of humility on and I have been prepared with a beautiful bouquet of daisies to hand the Master Gardener. What a joy! I enter: “Good morning Lord.” He receives me and the flowers with open arms. As he pulls me against his chest I take a deep breath. He pulls me just away enough to look me in the eyes. “I love you Krista, all is well, be strong, be courageous, I am here.” I collapse back onto his chest and say: “Oh thank you Jesus, and thank you for transforming me and the Center of My Garden! I ask for the peace of Jerusalem!”

    It has been hot, not just in the temperature, but from the spiritual realm. Have you observed this for yourself and in general? I had needed correction, but I also needed to remain steady in what was being revealed. I am grateful I did not turn back, (in the past I have turned back, but that is what happens when you are in the f.o.g. and you don’t know it). Guilt and other emotions and lies tried to turn me aside, but the sky is now clear and though it pained me to see what was left after the fog lifted, I am happy with the truth and the growth it will produce. And today I say: “Onward Christian Soldier, he has made a way!”

    Deuteronomy 11:13-14 NKJV
    ‘And it shall be that if you earnestly obey My commandments which I command you today, to love the LORD your God and serve Him with all your heart and with all your soul, [14] then I will give you the rain for your land in its season, the early rain and the latter rain, that you may gather in your grain, your new wine, and your oil.

  • I resisted!

    I resisted!

    “Good morning my King,” I bow. He takes my hand, smiles and we walk together. We are looking at what needs attention today. He is talking to me and pointing things out.

    1Peter 1: 6-7 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ,

    It has been a day of resisting the flesh and the enemy, resisting that hard heartedness, and at the same time I have had to continue to set my forehead like flint and not back down. It is so very important to me to have grace, not judge and remain loving from my heart, but I am learning a new stronger way to stand and love. I found myself going very low before the Lord and speaking to my own heart to remain in love, then I had to resist emotion and tell the enemy I would not turn back or back down. I will not operate out of shame, guilt, codependency or bitterness. I feel like the entire gamut of emotions was pushed at me hard today. I can say I resisted and I am still standing. This is a good work God is doing in me. It was anything to change my stance, direction, turn me back, or stop me hearing from the Master Gardener. I am grateful it didn’t work.

  • A treasure, my Treasure!

    A treasure, my Treasure!

    “Good morning Lord. It’s gonna be a bright sunshiny day!” “Indeed it is!” We begin to walk. “Lord I let go of what I expected and I look to you. Help me to speak to the vision you have.” He smiles and looks into my eyes. “Your pain will be turned into joy, just as mine did.” “Thank you Lord for the honor of a little suffering and the joy and for being yours. You are truly a treasure, my treasure!” “I love you Krista!” “I love you Lord!”

    James 5:11 Indeed we count them blessed who endure. You have heard of the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord-that the Lord is very compassionate and merciful.

    It isn’t straight forward, the healing from narcissistic abuse. And not all relationships are as toxic in the system so learning new boundaries and not having a hardened heart is a bit tricky. I have found it comes down to my surrender, to the Lord and humility with a whole lot of trusting him and obeying even when I don’t understand. I love my life and the journey. God will use it for good! It has been a painful and sad day, but already the joy is taking over.

  • Emotional Health!

    Emotional Health!

    “Good morning Lord, I love you, I say with a smile. “Good morning Krista,” he touches my face. I breathe a while. “Lord we worked on the pathways yesterday. What shall we do today?” “Pray.” And I begin to pray.

    Psalm 31:7 I will be glad and rejoice in Your mercy, For You have considered my trouble; You have known my soul in adversities,

    Emotional health is a big key for balanced life. Putting our needs to Jesus first and making him first will help us to be healthier and heal if we have come out of emotional abuse. Cutting the unhealthy emotional ties with others is also important and with some we need to cut the ties completely. We will need to be tethered to the Lord and properly tethered to ourselves. I found myself repenting of allowing or putting others first in my emotions, it is idolatry. I have been growing in this my whole life, it is just a new level I have come out of. It isn’t a blame game, but when we see the truth we can see what needs to change and then take a step.

  • Emotional Ties!

    Emotional Ties!

    I come into the Center of My Garden with my robe of humility and a bouquet of fragrant red roses. I look up to smile at the Master Gardener. “Good morning my husband, I love you! I have brought you a fragrant bouquet from the garden.” I hand them to him. He looks at me longingly and lovingly and accepts the flowers. He leans in to take in their fragrance. When he looks up we share a smile. He takes my hand and we walk. “Let us work in the paths today in the garden. It will be a prosperous and joy filled day.” “Yes Lord!” I sing: “Give me oil in my lamp…”

    Matthew 7:13-14 “Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. “Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.

    Cutting the emotional ties takes time, but begins with a decision. The Master Gardener is a great help in this! It is the quest for liberty and truth. Investing in ones own emotions and self is an important part of this process. Lord lead us in healthy stable emotions and break the emotional ties that have bound us. Let us know truth and Liberty! Let there be joy in the process today too!!!

  • Life gets better!

    Life gets better!

    “Let it rain…open the flood gates of Heaven. Good morning Lord!”, I sing as I come into the Center of My Garden. “Good morning. Shall we dance?” “oh yes!” Before I even finish my reply he has swept me off my feet! Wow how amazing and wonderful. We dance and smile, with added laughter. It is wonderful!

    Deuteronomy 33:27 The eternal God is your refuge, And underneath are the everlasting arms; He will thrust out the enemy from before you, And will say Destroy!’

    There are ties to be cut from narcissistic systems and this takes some working through. There are those who must go and some who may stay. It is a spiritual battle first and foremost. It is important to keep working on the correct boundaries and cutting the ties either way. I found it can seem confusing when people aren’t used to the boundaries and you’re trying to remain unbitter and faithful to God and others. It is possible to do and takes time and patience. Without giving excuse there are some who God may require from us what we may not want to give, he will ask us or show us and we should let that be up to Him, non else. In our battle against the enemy we must remember he often uses the weakest links. If we carry on learning and applying the boundaries those who will stay will stay and if and when God sees that the time has come for a removal for purpose to be fulfilled then He will provide a way. If we focus on God and what He is doing in us life gets better either way! I am glad He never gave up on me, and that makes me glad and hopeful for all, that God will not give up on them. It is simply giving up the lies and enabling practices, basically letting Him be the Savior! He does a better job than me!!!

  • You shall have It!

    You shall have It!

    I sing my greeting this morning as I enter the Center of My Garden. “Good morning Lord, how I love you… Your eye is on the sparrow, I know you’re watching me. I praise you for your faithfulness. I thank you for your truth.” “Good morning Krista,” and he smiles. “Lord there has been growth in the garden!” “Yes, despite the obstacles!” “True and I am looking and counting on you for direction and help.” “You shall have it! Let us tend to these plants and let us rejoice!” “Yes Lord, and Yes!!!

    Isaiah 66:13 As one whom his mother comforts, So I will comfort you; And you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.”

    I am pretty certain that it is a normal part of awakening from the narcissistic system, but getting out of it, I am really seeing how bullied I have been for so long. The enemy is evil and will steal whatever is allowed to be stollen. To see it, not comply and stop being the fixer, I have had to get so strong, but not on my own. The strength being built in me is from the Lord. I just will not comply anymore and it is costing me up front, but in the long run I will have so much more and it will not be stollen any longer. I have a lot to learn, but that is life, I have a lot of life to live too, and a big forgiving boundaried heart to share! The scripture coming to mind is: Rev. 12:11 And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death.

  • Actually pretty Awesome!

    Actually pretty Awesome!

    I am preparing to enter the Center of My Garden! I put on the robe of humility and a smile, from my heart. The Holy Spirit is helping me. “I love you Lord, let me breathe you in this morning.” “Yes my love.” And he pulls me in. I place my head on his chest. “All is well, my love, you have done well. Do not turn back and do not fear. I have quieted your fear!” “Yes Lord, indeed, you have. I will do as you command!” “There is life in the garden and much work to do. Shall we begin?” “Oh yes Lord!” I am so excited that the Master Gardener wants to work with me another day!

    1 Peter 4:14 If you are reproached for the name of Christ, blessed are you, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. On their part He is blasphemed, but on your part He is glorified.

    It is amazing to me that as I have come to type this out, the night and it’s struggles have vanished. I remember as I tossed and turned a struggle in my heart and mind. It was difficult. I just kept trusting God and giving it over, but I remember it wouldn’t leave and didn’t get settled. What I do not remember is exactly what it was. This tells me that as the night ended and my morning has been spent, the Lord was leading me to resolve and has brought it to a close. How wonderful and faithful He is.

    As I have been healing and growing out from under the narcissistic systems I was fully in, I am finding that I have had need of a lot of retraining. Beyond the narcissists there other things of course. One I want to talk about today is the flying monkeys. These can come in various forms. Thoughts must be retrained and religious ideas that were used and still are, to keep me bound, and people. Sometimes it can be even harder to let them go. The important thing is realizing that they are working for and with the narcissist and should not be trusted. So many teachings and mindsets and people get used to keep one from being set free completely. I believe this was part of my wrestle last night, but I still don’t quite remember, which is actually pretty awesome. I am having to be careful when I hear certain teachings or scriptures. I go to the Lord when I feel like I need to look back, tolerate or feel pressured or guilted into ignoring the truth. This happens all day for me. It hasn’t been easy, but it is simple. I am grateful that God is so patient. I need it. I have had to turn my patience toward others to myself.

    I typed out the above paragraph before typing my encounter with the Master Gardener today. I realized as I typed the encounter out that it was what Jesus did and who he is for me that caused me to forget the struggle. I also want to tell you, the Lord asked me a few weeks ago to not only seek comfort and it is being revealed to me what that entails. I can not just fix some peoples actions and poor teachings etc. I can not just forgive and let things be. It won’t make a way out for me or others. I have to face the truth and some hardship. I can honestly say Jesus has been faithful to teach me. And I hope this truth brings you joy! It is so important that we know truth to get out of and be kept from the lies ahead.

  • They will Burn!

    They will Burn!

    The struggle to silence my voice is not new. I understand now that narcissistic systems work through people and when you are in the system the control goes beyond words, and actions. The spirits behind operate in thoughts and control by many silent means. Some people are so given over to it the spirit speaks and controls directly through them. The abusers can get intel from the spirit realm, like the Holy Spirit and angles speak to us. They sometimes have such keen insight and so quickly, the person doesn’t always have the intelligence on their own. They go with it however. I let my emotions and care for others keep me enabling and silent, but it was fear that first kept me silent. I am not afraid of you anymore!!! I do not fear your minions either. I pray for those caught in the cycle, and I am working my way deeper into my life, purpose, and freedom with Jesus. And I forgive you, but I don’t forgive the spirits, they will burn! I am no longer foolish to let you in either, so move along your presence is not wanted or needed here!

    To the one who needs encouragement: Do I feel fear? Let’s call it pressure, but yes I do. But the feeling is not telling the truth so I resist it!

  • Breaking the System not People!

    Breaking the System not People!

    “Lord welcome to our garden. Here I am for your pleasure!” “You do please me! Do not be afraid to move out into all I have for you. Do not be afraid to grow!” “Yes Lord, only help me!” “I am, and remember I am your great reward!” “Yes Lord, how true and comforting this is!”

    How true it is that we do not wrestle against flesh and blood but evil spirits. This is how we can forgive. We all have had evil influence work through us, it is when people accept it and practice it we need stronger boundaries. It is my boundaries I am working on and to be fair I have taught many how to not have boundaries with me. It doesn’t excuse them, it puts things into proper perspective. In Luke chapter 6 one of the things Jesus tells us is to love and do good to our enemies. For someone who has come out of abuse an important thing to realize is you can love and do good to an enemy, it is just important to realize the truth about the person and not entrust yourself to them. I found myself, the other day letting a kind greeting someone gave me begin to disarm me and it made me realize I have done this to my and others detriment. I will continue to love them and keep those boundaries firm. The person has shown they are not a friend and in essence my enemy, it is very covert. I can rise above, but I must not gaslight myself or try to get others to let such people into their lives anymore. It comes down to discernment. These things are important to me because the bible tells us to guard our hearts and that in the last days the love of many would grow cold and that they would be lovers of self. Also that there will be great deception. We can love, have boundaries, and face the truth. Even if we fail, which doesn’t mean we are failures or someone tricks us, we can move forward forgiving and growing in truth, but not pretending. I also want to add that I learned improper boundaries and there are some in my life I have expected too much of and for my part I am repentant of this. In order to not gaslight myself I must add I have covered for and expected too little of others and I am making amends. I am interested in breaking the system not people!

    Speaking on wisdom…and I will take a healthy dose of that!!! Proverbs 9:11 For by me your days will be multiplied, And years of life will be added to you.