Butterfly Vuela

Tag: narcissism

  • Breaking the System not People!

    Breaking the System not People!

    “Lord welcome to our garden. Here I am for your pleasure!” “You do please me! Do not be afraid to move out into all I have for you. Do not be afraid to grow!” “Yes Lord, only help me!” “I am, and remember I am your great reward!” “Yes Lord, how true and comforting this is!”

    How true it is that we do not wrestle against flesh and blood but evil spirits. This is how we can forgive. We all have had evil influence work through us, it is when people accept it and practice it we need stronger boundaries. It is my boundaries I am working on and to be fair I have taught many how to not have boundaries with me. It doesn’t excuse them, it puts things into proper perspective. In Luke chapter 6 one of the things Jesus tells us is to love and do good to our enemies. For someone who has come out of abuse an important thing to realize is you can love and do good to an enemy, it is just important to realize the truth about the person and not entrust yourself to them. I found myself, the other day letting a kind greeting someone gave me begin to disarm me and it made me realize I have done this to my and others detriment. I will continue to love them and keep those boundaries firm. The person has shown they are not a friend and in essence my enemy, it is very covert. I can rise above, but I must not gaslight myself or try to get others to let such people into their lives anymore. It comes down to discernment. These things are important to me because the bible tells us to guard our hearts and that in the last days the love of many would grow cold and that they would be lovers of self. Also that there will be great deception. We can love, have boundaries, and face the truth. Even if we fail, which doesn’t mean we are failures or someone tricks us, we can move forward forgiving and growing in truth, but not pretending. I also want to add that I learned improper boundaries and there are some in my life I have expected too much of and for my part I am repentant of this. In order to not gaslight myself I must add I have covered for and expected too little of others and I am making amends. I am interested in breaking the system not people!

    Speaking on wisdom…and I will take a healthy dose of that!!! Proverbs 9:11 For by me your days will be multiplied, And years of life will be added to you.

  • I am not that Person!

    I am not that Person!

    Today, I am going to first share my time with the Master Gardener and then I decided to come write, I hope both encourage and inspire you!

    “Lord, I love you!” “And I love you!” “Lord I have looked beside me and back, just long enough to admit my failure. Now I hand it to you. Now Lord, help me keep my hands free, for today and the road ahead. I know you will multiply! What is on our agenda today?” I pray for the peace of Jerusalem! “Let us inspect the garden and we will enjoy the growth. Keep your eyes on me, I will provide and guide you. You need only follow.” “Yes Lord, and Lord, I forgive myself first and then them!” He smiles.

    One of the key things I have experienced with narcissistic abuse, is silencing. It is learned and many are trained in it. I found after being a child and learning it, it is easy to become an adult that protects the wrong people or protects the wrong systems. I am no longer interested in being silenced or remaining silent. Those who want to use the info to further abuse will eventually fall flat and they will find the info they need somewhere else. I don’t want to sugar coat situations to pad my emotions either. I learned to do this, and I would share my faults instead. That is ok in measure, but it will not help anyone else and I can’t keep pretending things will just get better. They get better as I deal in the truth. Now I am in a season where I can not just get away from my situation, but I can grow and heal and wait for God’s exit. It can be challenging to come out of it while those spirits are operating through hosts and in your midst, but this time, I believe the Lord has a plan and I am not going to get outside his process or timing. After a lifetime of tolerating toxic people I know there is a lot of work to be done in me. People can change, but they must not be enabled and they must change on their own. I just thought people were as caring and thought of others first, this can be true, but it hasn’t been. I have had times when the Lord let me out instantly from abusers, my life was on the line, but though I will leave as I can, it is not to be right away. I have to be courageous and grow. I realized today that I just couldn’t remain silent. People can change, but they must admit the way things are going isn’t working and each person must decide they want to live and not be controlled any longer by these entities that ensnare in a narcissistic system. I outed one or two people in my family before, but the problem actually became more of almost everyone, especially the heads, tolerating it. I am not that person. There is grace for never knowing anything else, but there comes a moment when enablers are just as harmful. I almost lost my life once, because of narcissistic abuse and added witchcraft, and I wouldn’t be here, but for a miracle and the Grace of God. I thought I knew what it was to love and be loved, but I have learned and am learning what Jesus’ love is actually like. I am learning to be jealous for Jesus and me and love others with healthy boundaries. Some I love, but I don’t believe the lies any more that they love me, they don’t know how to love and I forgive myself and them. It has taken an enormous amount of pain and failure over years for me to face the proximity of this abuse. It can be hard to tell yourself the truth, that they never loved you, you were only ever supply. But, Jesus didn’t make us to be supply for the enemy, we are worth a great price. So I must stop going along with the narrative. It is that painful, but simple. I have learned to stop saying I am confused and say I see clearly help me to not go back because of emotion.

  • The Encouragement!

    The Encouragement!

    I have met with the Master Gardener in the Center of My Garden, earlier. This was my time to get refreshed and pour out my heart to him. I met with him again a while later:

    “Lord what are you interested in doing and speaking to me and or through me?” “Pray for the peace of Jerusalem.” “I will continue to follow you and love, but I am leaving behind compromise and self doubt/condemnation. Bind up my wounds Holy Spirit. Give me the words and acts to expose, but bind up others. I want to move in you. Will you move in and through me?” “Yes, now pray!” “Yes Lord!”

    Yesterday and today I had written down 1 Peter4:12,13 and my eyes were drawn to it as I spoke to the Lord this morning: Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy. I can not express to you the encouragement this brought to me and the fact that the Holy Spirit had the scripture catch my eye and I had forgotten what it was. I also rejoice in the fact that I am hearing him and following him, because above all else I need this.

    For me, it isn’t a mater of forgiveness, for I have forgiven and I will continue to, it is that it has been difficult to move ahead and see and act on truth around me, while things are not completely changed. I have learned to continue to be me, but I have to stop indulging some of my traits, the good ones. In some seasons and places it only hinders our seeing and moving past what others have shown us. I have learned to stop saying that I am confused and begun to say “I see clearly” and I will act as I need to in order to stay out of confusion and not perpetuating the cycles. I ask the Master Gardener several times a day to help me. And I am using that forgiveness strength I posses to forgive myself. Finally, I just want to add that once again that it is not about forgiveness alone, it is about letting people be who they have chosen to be and giving them to God. To stop rescuing and giving excuses and then believing and trusting God to work in them and for them, if they ever really want the freedom. God doesn’t need us to be perfect, though he will perfect us Himself, he needs us to stop hiding from the truth and face it with him. Sometimes the hardest thing to face is what we have become, or those we love. It is so much better to face things as we can and then heal and leave the old behind. God specializes in restoration, my life has been so transformed and I may have struggle I am coming out of, but I look nothing like I used too!!!!!

  • Ready to Thrive?

    Ready to Thrive?

    “Lord, lead me today. For Your sake! Good morning!” He smiles, “Good morning! Are you ready to thrive?” “Oh yes Lord, but will you help me to and let Your abundant life in?” “I will, I am! Let us enjoy the beauty and fragrance of these sweet peas this morning.” I take time to breathe him in and just be in his presence before the life and work begin.

    Psalm 62:2 He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved.

    In looking over the past year or 2 and thinking on my journey of awakening to narcissism and the systems I have had to seek to get out of, I found myself so entrenched that everything has had to change. It is no longer okay for me to tolerate what I once did. I was an enabler and codependent. I had never known life outside of a narcissistic system. I do not give myself excuse, but it is what it is. I learned in stages, my first stage in my awakening to something being wrong was coming to grips as a young adult that I had come out of emotional abuse. Then years later I began to experience heightened forms of narcissistic abuse, only it took me until I was in my 50s to really put the finger on it. The past was repeating and now I had to face it all. I could have closed my eyes, but that isn’t me. I played my part for too long and now I am growing in discernment. There hasn’t been an environment or group of people in my life, that have not been infiltrated. And so I am in a place where I must wait, continue and grow and I know the Master Gardener is using this time to do a good work in me. I can only hope it will bring life to many others. I trust the Lord and I am learning to trust myself more and those remaining doors have been hard to let shut or keep shut, but it is what I have to do and so today I am choosing to do it. Life is good, even in pain. God is faithful when people and even my self are/is not. It can only get better and I am!!!

  • A Step Out of Victimhood!

    A Step Out of Victimhood!

    My day began a little worn feeling. I had a question or two for the Master Gardener. As we worked the water from a pond in the Center of my garden caught my eye. A glint of light danced in one corner. The Master Gardener told me I could go take a look, so I set down my tools and went to the edge. He stirred the water and let me see, if I dared, my own reflection. I began to look and then see. He told me I would need to face what I saw there, if I really want to be free. For you see footholds remained in me, that had to be shunned and turned from. Things in me had to be faced in order to be free. So I looked, I faced myself, then Him- The Truth. I let go, I repented. Things in me were wrong. Not just things done to me. He helped me forgive myself and others and now I must go for He is beckoning me into the water to baptize me a fresh in his love and I must go!