Today, I am going to first share my time with the Master Gardener and then I decided to come write, I hope both encourage and inspire you!
“Lord, I love you!” “And I love you!” “Lord I have looked beside me and back, just long enough to admit my failure. Now I hand it to you. Now Lord, help me keep my hands free, for today and the road ahead. I know you will multiply! What is on our agenda today?” I pray for the peace of Jerusalem! “Let us inspect the garden and we will enjoy the growth. Keep your eyes on me, I will provide and guide you. You need only follow.” “Yes Lord, and Lord, I forgive myself first and then them!” He smiles.
One of the key things I have experienced with narcissistic abuse, is silencing. It is learned and many are trained in it. I found after being a child and learning it, it is easy to become an adult that protects the wrong people or protects the wrong systems. I am no longer interested in being silenced or remaining silent. Those who want to use the info to further abuse will eventually fall flat and they will find the info they need somewhere else. I don’t want to sugar coat situations to pad my emotions either. I learned to do this, and I would share my faults instead. That is ok in measure, but it will not help anyone else and I can’t keep pretending things will just get better. They get better as I deal in the truth. Now I am in a season where I can not just get away from my situation, but I can grow and heal and wait for God’s exit. It can be challenging to come out of it while those spirits are operating through hosts and in your midst, but this time, I believe the Lord has a plan and I am not going to get outside his process or timing. After a lifetime of tolerating toxic people I know there is a lot of work to be done in me. People can change, but they must not be enabled and they must change on their own. I just thought people were as caring and thought of others first, this can be true, but it hasn’t been. I have had times when the Lord let me out instantly from abusers, my life was on the line, but though I will leave as I can, it is not to be right away. I have to be courageous and grow. I realized today that I just couldn’t remain silent. People can change, but they must admit the way things are going isn’t working and each person must decide they want to live and not be controlled any longer by these entities that ensnare in a narcissistic system. I outed one or two people in my family before, but the problem actually became more of almost everyone, especially the heads, tolerating it. I am not that person. There is grace for never knowing anything else, but there comes a moment when enablers are just as harmful. I almost lost my life once, because of narcissistic abuse and added witchcraft, and I wouldn’t be here, but for a miracle and the Grace of God. I thought I knew what it was to love and be loved, but I have learned and am learning what Jesus’ love is actually like. I am learning to be jealous for Jesus and me and love others with healthy boundaries. Some I love, but I don’t believe the lies any more that they love me, they don’t know how to love and I forgive myself and them. It has taken an enormous amount of pain and failure over years for me to face the proximity of this abuse. It can be hard to tell yourself the truth, that they never loved you, you were only ever supply. But, Jesus didn’t make us to be supply for the enemy, we are worth a great price. So I must stop going along with the narrative. It is that painful, but simple. I have learned to stop saying I am confused and say I see clearly help me to not go back because of emotion.
Butterfly Vuela 